Shopping Basket
Your Basket is Empty
Quantity:
Subtotal
Taxes
Delivery
Total
There was an error with PayPalClick here to try again
CelebrateThank you for your business!You should receive an order confirmation from Paypal shortly.Exit Shopping Basket

A new beginning recovery houses

HELPING TO REBUILD LIVES

Latest In Recovery Blog

Latest In Recovery Blog

Man in the Mirror

Posted on 15 September, 2018 at 16:40




Man in the Mirror

Sept 15th 2018 6:02pm

New Haven, Anonymous

"The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was far as most of us ever got."

Pg 66 in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous


"If you've only been through what I've been through. If you've only seen what i've seen. If you walk in my shoes for a day." All these and plenty more are accurate statements that I've told others and myself. Consistently in my drinking and even in my sobriety these prhases were thrown out quite a few times. I remember sitting in Detox, wallowing in self pity, filled to the brim in guilt and shame. I had nothing, but the clothes on my back, a hospital given hygeine bag, and a bag locked up in the hospital safe with my empty wallet. I could have been able to live with this, but the rest, the rest made me suicidal. I'm talking about the "real bottom." The spiritual bottom. That feeling of loneliness, uselessness, despair. The inability to control my emotional nature. The fact that I had committee meetings going on in my head that wouldn't let me get a qord in edge wise. The FEAR about what I was to do from there, how I was going to make a living, how was I to climb out of this hole of misery and depression? But how?


I began to roll the tapes. I needed to find out who's fault this was. I knew that I had put myself in that situation somewhat, but I still had a lot of blaming to do. If my mother only blah blah blah. If my father wasn't a junkie. If I wasn't left to be molested at that neighbor's house for years, if we weren't poor. I even had it in with god after I found the body of a murdered woman in my childhood apartment's cut thru. I developed this one belief that God was a balance keeper, and that in order for some to live, some had to die, in order for some to succeed, some had to fail...and I was one of those one's that had to fail. And I hated God for this. For this misfortune I came up with in my own delusion. I was supposed to slip through the cracks. And then something happened. I was introduced to AA in that detox. They were young guys, like me. They were loving their lives. They were sober, and they had bright futures that were only matched by their smiles. This totally through me for a loop as my thought of an alcoholic at the time looked for like the neighborhood panhandler (who honestly at the time probably had more than I did.) 




I went to meeting the very first night I got out of detox. I raised my hand. I got a sponsor. I got a coffee commitment. I made a great bunch of friends. The world was finally starting to click. I took the actions, and I got results. Just not the right results. At the time they seemed like great results, though, as for the first time in my life I felt some value. I ended up with a great job, almost 6 figures, my dream car, a wonderful girlfriend, a closet full of clothes that would keep the entire mall stocked all year round and a sock drawer I could swim in. My mother was proud of me. My grandmother was proud of me. I was "successful" and "sober" Everyone seemed to be patting me on the back as I walked by. Here's this troubled kid that came back to be a big shot. I took the role on well, as everyone including myself loves a comeback story. I thought I had life all figured out. All I had to do was work 7 days a week, go home to my girlfriend and buy whatever I wanted. IT WAS GREAT. One would think so anyway. I looked fantastic on the outside. Years Sober. My wrap sheet looked flawless. I really showed them. Everyone who wronged me, who doubted me, or who never gave me a chance. Look at me now. 

Except there was one problem, I couldn't look at me. I couldn't look in the mirror. I was full of fear, fear that I would lose what I had. Fearful that the girlfriend would leave me, the job would go and I'd be right back where God wanted me...in the cracks. My self esteem was nonexistent, I was of no use to other people, I was unhappy. It was never enough. I took it all forgranted. I became a disgusting human being...in sobriety. And then it happened. The job went. The girl went and suddenly...I'm stuck with me. You know how they say don't go into your head its a bad neighborhood? Well, mines like a warzone. Once again, everyone's fault and God wanted me down. A drink looked good, it looked damn good. My life in sobriety was completely unmanagable. I had no leg to stand on, I couldn't even rest on my laurels because those were gone too. Unable to breathe, unable to deal with another second of pain, guilt, shame and remorse, I drank.

That run brought me to suicide. I tried to kill myself. My grandmother found me on her floor dead. Luckily, I was revived. In the psych ward now, I was teetering on the line of trying to kill myself again. But I did something I haven't done since I was a kid. I prayed. I honestly prayed. I talked to God, like I would anyone else. I sought God, and god was there. With this moment of clarity, I wanted to waste no time. I called an old friend, who is now my sponsor, went into a sober house (which my pride and ego kept me out of my whole life) took time for others. I'm now currently in the middle of the steps with my sponsor, still living in the sober house, and just recently employed at a job where I'm making half the income I used to make. I don't own a car, and my sock drawer is significantly smaller.  I don't have any of the things I thought made me important before. But I found clarity. All I needed to do was ernestly seek God in my heart. The big book isn't a simple direction book I found. It's not meant to read like other books. You read it like you read music. You feel it. Feel the music. 



Today I'm a part of the community, I get to help others. I talk with God every day, and God talks back. I look in that mirror now and know when there's something wrong I know exactly where to point the finger...right there, at the man in the mirror. And when I'm looking for relief, I know where to look. Where I should have looked the whole time, but never did. Because God could and would if he were sought. Yes, I took the actions. This is an action program. We must take the steps to see the results. But, the whole point of this is for us to build a relationship with a power greater than ourselves, so don't be so focused on the man in the mirror that you can't hear the music.

Categories: None

Post a Comment

Oops!

Oops, you forgot something.

Oops!

The words you entered did not match the given text. Please try again.

11099 Comments

Reply salmnkhan
14:52 on 20 October, 2021 
long denim dress plus size elite kyle emanuel mens jersey san diego chargers 51 home navy blue nfl playoff jordan 12 lady dior outfit zara yellow knit dress one piece snapbacks gold
salmnkhan http://www.salmnkhan.com/
Reply zdarusa
16:27 on 20 October, 2021 
converse chuck taylor run star hike nike air barrage low 41 nike flyknit lunar kvinners blue mens denali 2 hoodie bcbg one shoulder cocktail dress reebok gl 1500 athletic mens trainers cheap
zdarusa http://www.zdarusa.com/
Reply toptorah
16:46 on 20 October, 2021 
jordan 13 hvit silver red 2017 game prince amukamara mens jersey new york giants 20 home royal blue nfl north face shelbe raschel vest jordan ma maniere low top lebrons wmns air max plus se
toptorah http://www.toptorah.com/
Reply skwpartners
18:44 on 20 October, 2021 
petite sequin dress juniors dress shorts baby girl red sox hat underwear uk nike solarsoft moccasin qs hvid jordan future negro camo game ross cockrell youth jersey buffalo bills 29 road white nfl
skwpartners http://www.skwpartners.com/
Reply ekytalk
19:12 on 20 October, 2021 
kids creepy doll costume nhl jerseys new york rangers 27 ryan mcdonagh light blue jerseys asics 27 kayano blanc grand maxi dress santa baby dress
ekytalk http://www.ekytalk.com/
Reply wunderboys
21:44 on 20 October, 2021 
college football jordan jerseys north face gotham boys nike air max 97 swoosh adidas predator accelerator all grey shoes nike air max white with black sole aladdin princess jasmine costume
wunderboys http://www.wunderboys.com/
Reply debagliano
3:21 on 21 October, 2021 
the north face go exploring down jacket air max 90 hyper amarillo air jordan 11 legend bleu quality jordan 1 royal toe on feet new fancy plazo dress adidas cf3488
debagliano http://www.debagliano.com/
Reply earcandyllc
3:21 on 21 October, 2021 
kvinners nike svart and grey running sko lebron swingman jersey purple for cheap pandora disneyland paris exclusive charms nike city huarache nike air max 2015 mens shoes florida dolphins hat 30
earcandyllc http://www.earcandyllc.com/
Reply flatlandip
5:31 on 21 October, 2021 
amazon princess dress up nike air force 1 schwarz jeans mariano rivera retirement hat billig muska skate shoes nike zoom vomero mens casual lehenga choli
flatlandip http://www.flatlandip.com/
Reply bape clothing
11:56 on 21 October, 2021 
I am writing to make you understand what a useful experience my cousin's daughter developed using your web page. She figured out too many details, not to mention what it's like to have an excellent coaching heart to make other folks smoothly know precisely various complex things. You undoubtedly did more than our own expectations. Many thanks for imparting the precious, dependable, revealing not to mention easy tips about your topic to Evelyn.
bape clothing http://www.bape-clothing.us
Reply drivingmama
19:57 on 21 October, 2021 
glitter homecoming dresses how to knit a baby hat or beanie ribbed stitch dish anywhere nike free trainer hyper bleu salomon rx moc mitchell and ness cincinnati bengals 78 anthony munoz black authentic jersey sale ovo jordan 8 black
drivingmama http://www.drivingmama.com/
Reply laeamerica
21:04 on 21 October, 2021 
jordan 4 toro size 9 kvinders nike running sko sort and pink nike more uptempo hvit atlanta braves memorial day hat 2013 youtube nike kobe x elite nike roshe run grau speckle
laeamerica http://www.laeamerica.com/
Reply tosseldorf
21:52 on 21 October, 2021 
jordan 13 svart and grey jordan mid blu nhl jerseys buffalo sabres jerseys 30 ryan miller away white jersey nike browns 34 isaiah crowell black womens nfl fashion game jersey knit baby hat with bunny ears pattern willie stargell 8 black authentic jersey sale
tosseldorf http://www.tosseldorf.com/
Reply ftscrossfit
22:02 on 21 October, 2021 
tnf body warmer houston rockets bucket hat for eu nike free run 2 schwarz pack monster energy hats free shipping xfinity 4k suspender dress plus size air jordan 20 cool grau for verkauf
ftscrossfit http://www.ftscrossfit.com/
Reply crcfoods
22:20 on 21 October, 2021 
nike sb atmos elephant youth football uniform with shoulder pads junior spikes where to acheter air yeezy 2 online moretti shoes red bottoms nike flyknit racer shoes cheap all black shoes
crcfoods http://www.crcfoods.com/
Reply azoils
0:24 on 22 October, 2021 
candy princess costume nike flex contact 3 boys noir jordan 4 union la 2012 new nfl jerseys philadelphia eagles 24 nnamdi asomugha white jerseys limited elite blake bortles youth jersey jacksonville jaguars 5 home teal green nfl nike lunar nero and rosso
azoils http://www.azoils.com/
Reply etraddes
0:27 on 22 October, 2021 
nike blazer mid prm vntg qs black for cheap puma goodyear new era nfl knit hats 2015 for sale uk green sale nike sb koston nike jacksonville jaguars blank white elite jersey pan collar dress
etraddes http://www.etraddes.com/
Reply yeezy boost 350 v2
2:34 on 22 October, 2021 
I'm also writing to let you know of the magnificent experience my cousin's daughter obtained reading your web site. She came to understand a lot of details, with the inclusion of how it is like to have a wonderful teaching mindset to let other people smoothly grasp a variety of tricky things. You actually exceeded visitors' expectations. Thanks for presenting the important, dependable, revealing not to mention fun tips about the topic to Janet.
yeezy boost 350 v2 http://www.adidasyeezyboost350.us.com
Reply czaterianie
3:55 on 22 October, 2021 
nike new york giants 10 eli manning red game womens jersey kayano 27 asics noir puma fur slippers blanc la clippers knit hat not working nike air parace 1 ultra flyknit purple new york giants knit hat for uk
czaterianie http://www.czaterianie.com/
Reply robbsbooks
4:26 on 22 October, 2021 
kids celtics jersey navy blue titleist hat pink puma football boots crocs smart shoes cuater squints snapback cap nfl brandon williams youth limited red jersey 26 arizona cardinals nike home vapor untouchable
robbsbooks https://www.robbsbooks.net/